The Planet of the Apes Sequels: the regression of an intelligent concept

Whether you enjoy it or roll your eyes at the mention of it, it's hard to deny that Planet of the Apes is an important, creative, and smart movie. I happened to enjoy it for its challenging questions about how we treat other species surrounding us, how we look at the world we live in, and ya gotta love that fantastic twist ending. So I, like many others before me, decided to suffer through the progressively inferior sequels until I felt like I too was regressing. I watched as the films transformed me into a Homo neanderthalensis (which must also have been the state of the hacks that produced the last two films). It's been over a year now since my unfortunate experience and I feel I'm recovered enough to finally discuss it. Keep in mind that everything here on in is a major spoiler zone.

Beneath the Planet of the Apes (1970) 2.5/4
This movie answers the assumed plot-hole question from the first film: If apes evolved to speak, why did humans go through regression? Well, the evolved human community lives underground in New York's subway tunnels and they pray to an atomic bomb. And just like all over-evolved humans do in science fiction, they use telekinesis. While this film was a good attack on religion, it's disjointed and pretty corny. Charlton Heston shows up and is in all his over-dramatic glory. In some ways it has an even more shocking ending than the first film. In fact, it's pretty damn hard to get any more shocking.

Escape from the Planet of the Apes (1971) 2/4
It's not as good as the first two, but it's oodles better than the final two. I can just see them in the writer's room in 1970... "So, we blew up Earth in the second film, but we discovered we have an audience... looks like it's time for time travel". And so they did. While the delivery could have been better, this movie actually brings to light some interesting topics that are only allegorical in the first film. The tables turn and the exhibitor becomes the exhibit. I found the inevitable POTA shock ending in this one to be too predictable. I did however like the concept of the infinite loop of time travel (as depicted in the painting). It was a much more confusing, but somehow more satisfying explanation than the one that replaces it in the fourth film. Although it still doesn't explain how gorillas and orangutans develop speech and self-awareness as depicted in the first film.

Conquest of the Planet of the Apes (1972) 1/4
And now the story starts its sucking. In the fourth entry they destroy the overall canon by taking cool ideas from the first three films and then they simplify and misinterpret them. Problem #1: If the offspring of the time travelling chimps is the beginning of ape intelligence through an infinite paradoxical loop, why are other apes talking by the end of this movie? Problem #2: It's obvious these writers aren't thinking globally when one little battle is supposed to have forced humans underground worldwide. Yes, this film has a shiny little allegory for the problems associated with slavery. But the script blows, the directing and acting are just awful, and even though I watched it on TV, just thinking about it makes me want to ask someone for my money back.

Battle for the Planet of the Apes (1973) 0/4 [AWFUL]
The film opens with some monkey called the Lawgiver in 2670AD telling the story we're about to see. And he's played by none other than JOHN F'ING HUSTON! How did they con him into teaming up with this mess? A couple years have gone by since the events in the fourth film and all the apes are somehow already communicating at an adult level. And the couple dozen humans who survived the fourth film (worldwide, apparently) are out to get their revenge. Aagh, it just makes me so mad thinking about what this film looked like and how bad the acting and script were. Absolute rubbish! The ultimate destroyer of this sinking series which in hindsight should have either went in a different direction at the end of the second film or ended after the third.

If you're reading this and you enjoyed the first film, watch the second and third AND DON'T YOU DARE WATCH THE LAST TWO! Or just be content with only seeing the first film and find a better way to spend your time. Get your recommended dosage of sci-fi by renting Gattaca, Metropolis or Dark City. And leave the apes for your friendly neighborhood evolutionary biologist to deal with.